I couldn't, well, I could have, but I didn't really want to, blog yesterday about this cleanse, because frankly, after the night I had, this was the last thing that I wanted to talk about.
A Monday night meal with friends, a mere 15 of them, turned into a blinding headache, and an annoyance level that would have caused the Hulk to burst out of his clothes.
I went out for a friends birthday, knowing full well that there would be food and alcohol galore and that I would be faced with more temptation than Vegas. The difference between this place and Vegas: I didn't turn down any temptation there. Oh man...Vegas....good times....great times...wonderful times in Vegas....hot weather...hot men....nice pool...nice men....jumpin' clubs....jumpin' men.....oh how I wish to go back...but I digress.
The shots were flowing, the food was a sizzlin', and I was sitting in the corner..clutching my bottle of lemons, pepper and syrup, and downing what seemed like 3,344 glasses of water to keep my mind and my stomach occupied.
And it seemed to work. I RESISTED temptation. Me: 1. stupid restaurant: 0
Woke up the next morning, and the Wii Fit told me that I'm down 4 pounds!! holler!!
Yes, I know, any idiot knows that this is merely water weight and not to get too excited, but I don't care. 4 pounds is NOT IN MY BODY anymore.
Day 2 came and went, and I did my best to occupy my time. And I think I did this quite well. It's amazing what a diversion a naked man in your bed will do to you. Too much? Ah, who cares.
I must say that the SWF didn't have nearly the same effects on me as it did on Day 1, but that's probably because there was nothing left to flush out. I'm a pretty regular human being the way it is, so I think my body does a good job of keeping me clean. Again, too much?
This morning (Day 3), the morning routine of the SWF seemed quite normal, as I stood over the sink, trying my best not to puke anything up, while plugging my nose and inhaling this water.
However, this morning was different. My roommate was home. And she decided that the best time to take a shower, was when my bowel wanted to unleash some ferociousness on me. And when I say shower, I should say "a thorough cleansing in water for 5 hours." This girl takes the longest showers known to man. Or maybe it just seemed like that today.
I did the potty dance around my office for what seemed like a few days, when I heard the water turn off. I burst in there, all the while clenching my buttcheeks so that nothing would trickle on the carpet (who would want to clean that up?) and made it to the toilet just in time!!
My friend "Russ" told me that it feels like a shower coming out of your butt. Today, I would agree Russ. I would definitely agree. Today it was like 45 showers coming out of my butt. So fresh and so clean.
I'm off to a movie.
Heres to hoping that the faucet is turned off so that I can enjoy some Meryl Streep and Alex Baldwin.
(Day 3 results: Biggest Loser = -2 pounds Wii Fit = -2.9 pounds HOLLER! )
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
WTF am I thinking? (Day 1)
A friend of mine recently told me about this cleanse that he did awhile back. For a duration of 10 days, he was only allowed to drink a liquid concoction of lemons, syrup, pepper and water. Combine that with a salt water flush every morning, and BAM! you have the MASTER CLEANSE. I'm sure you've all heard of it.
And because I clearly need something to divert my attention from other areas of my life, and because I truly want to see if my will power is strong enough to do such a thing, I've decided to take the plunge.
So for the next 30 (more on why 30 and not 10, later) days, my consumption will be limited to water, lemons, water, syrup, water, cayenne pepper, tea, and water. Did I mention water? Ok, just making sure I covered it all.
Today is day 1. I wish I could get all dramatic and say something like, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life" but I won't. Because this is certainly NOT going to be the first day of the rest of my life. If things continue down the same road as they did this morning, I will not be staying on this road very long. At all.
I woke up this morning, and was all gung-ho to do my first SWF (salt water flush = 2 tsp sea salt and 1 ltr of water). After successfully making this, I took one giant swig (directions say to chug the whole thing like a beer bong) and wanted immediately spit it out. DISGUSTING. This tasted worse than feet smell.
But....I needed to power through, so I continued to chug. It just wasn't going down very well. So I stopped.
And with half a liter left, I let the stupid water bottle sit on my desk and stare at me. And I stared right on back. It was winning. Whatever. This was a battle I didn't care to win.
No, wait. What am I thinking? I don't lose! At ANYTHING!
So after consulting said friend at the beginning of this post (we'll call him Russ), he said "you've just got to down it! Don't take breaks!"
And with those words of encouragement, I trudged on. I took that stupid water bottle, headed to the sink (in case I threw up) and downed that thing that it was nobody's business. It was only a matter of minutes before this stuff took a hold of my innards. Apparently this is the stuff that "cleanses" you out. That really means you're going to be in the bathroom for the next 10 minutes, shitting out everything that you've consumed since 1998.
Lucky for me, I work from home, so I have a bathroom pretty close to my office.
Without going into too much detail, I'm pretty sure the corn on the cob I ate 5 years ago was indeed flushed out with this little endeavor.
And while I was in the bathroom, I decided that I should probably just hop in the shower. I didn't feel real clean after the explosion out of my butt, so I hopped in.
2 minutes later, I hopped back out.
No one told me that this would be a reoccurring pattern for the next 8 minutes! I was in and out of that shower 5 or 6 times.
It actually worked out really well, because I don't know if I could put my pants back on after what came out of my body during those 10 minutes.
With that morning routine out of the way, I was safe to make the actual lemonade drink. And you know, it was surprisingly pretty good.
I'm probably 3/4 done with the first liter, and about to make my second batch for the day.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, which will be pretty hard, considering there will be food there. Probably whispering sweet nothings into my ear, but I'm going to bring earmuffs. So it'll be all right!
I weighed myself on the scale and the Wii Fit. I will update you with any losses tomorrow.
Cheers to being halfway done with Day 1!!!
And because I clearly need something to divert my attention from other areas of my life, and because I truly want to see if my will power is strong enough to do such a thing, I've decided to take the plunge.
So for the next 30 (more on why 30 and not 10, later) days, my consumption will be limited to water, lemons, water, syrup, water, cayenne pepper, tea, and water. Did I mention water? Ok, just making sure I covered it all.
Today is day 1. I wish I could get all dramatic and say something like, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life" but I won't. Because this is certainly NOT going to be the first day of the rest of my life. If things continue down the same road as they did this morning, I will not be staying on this road very long. At all.
I woke up this morning, and was all gung-ho to do my first SWF (salt water flush = 2 tsp sea salt and 1 ltr of water). After successfully making this, I took one giant swig (directions say to chug the whole thing like a beer bong) and wanted immediately spit it out. DISGUSTING. This tasted worse than feet smell.
But....I needed to power through, so I continued to chug. It just wasn't going down very well. So I stopped.
And with half a liter left, I let the stupid water bottle sit on my desk and stare at me. And I stared right on back. It was winning. Whatever. This was a battle I didn't care to win.
No, wait. What am I thinking? I don't lose! At ANYTHING!
So after consulting said friend at the beginning of this post (we'll call him Russ), he said "you've just got to down it! Don't take breaks!"
And with those words of encouragement, I trudged on. I took that stupid water bottle, headed to the sink (in case I threw up) and downed that thing that it was nobody's business. It was only a matter of minutes before this stuff took a hold of my innards. Apparently this is the stuff that "cleanses" you out. That really means you're going to be in the bathroom for the next 10 minutes, shitting out everything that you've consumed since 1998.
Lucky for me, I work from home, so I have a bathroom pretty close to my office.
Without going into too much detail, I'm pretty sure the corn on the cob I ate 5 years ago was indeed flushed out with this little endeavor.
And while I was in the bathroom, I decided that I should probably just hop in the shower. I didn't feel real clean after the explosion out of my butt, so I hopped in.
2 minutes later, I hopped back out.
No one told me that this would be a reoccurring pattern for the next 8 minutes! I was in and out of that shower 5 or 6 times.
It actually worked out really well, because I don't know if I could put my pants back on after what came out of my body during those 10 minutes.
With that morning routine out of the way, I was safe to make the actual lemonade drink. And you know, it was surprisingly pretty good.
I'm probably 3/4 done with the first liter, and about to make my second batch for the day.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, which will be pretty hard, considering there will be food there. Probably whispering sweet nothings into my ear, but I'm going to bring earmuffs. So it'll be all right!
I weighed myself on the scale and the Wii Fit. I will update you with any losses tomorrow.
Cheers to being halfway done with Day 1!!!
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